Season Imsais – 2

Some more imsais from last week’s concerts:

  • The mami sitting next to me at a concert talks to some kin of hers back home: “Ennadi .. Anandham poyindirukka …. seri seri … apparam vandhu kadhai kettukkaren. Kolangal ku munnadi vandhuruven … seriya … phone-a vekkaren” (For the uninitiated, Anandham and Kolangal are TV serials running on Sun TV)
  • The mama sitting a row ahead of mine remarks after hearing a beautiful behAg alapanai: “Aahaa … ippo alaipAyudE kaNNA vaasippar paaru
  • This one is not an imsai but it is so good that I couldn’t resist posting it here. Nalli Kuppusami Chettiar recollected this during one of the felicitation functions. It seems Sri Semmangudi Srinivasa Iyer used to always come before the scheduled time to all the functions he was invited to. It so happened that once Semmangudi mama came 10 minutes late to a function. Nalli Chettiar couldn’t believe his eyes. Upon enquiry, iyerval told that he had to go to a function in Nanganallur before coming there and it had taken him a long time to locate the venue in Nanganallur. The people it seems still couldn’t believe iyerval had landed late to which iyerval remarked: “Ravanan Seethayai kondu Asoka vanathula vechan. Hanumar odane kandu pidichuttar. Avan Seethaiyai Nanganallur la kondu vandundaan na innikki varaikkum Hanumar thedindu iruppar:-)

Now for some “photo” imsais:

  • The mama in the snap below is wearing a “monkey cap” to protect himself from cold in an auditorium where the AC (enga oorula cold aa irundha thaan AC) was close to non-existant and where all the other people were sweating like crazy:

Season Imsai - Monkey Cap

  • Some sabhas complain that artists don’t finish on time. No wonder, if they have time displayed this way (poor quality of photo is regretted)

Season Imsai - What’s the time?

Bridge of Contention

Here is a humorous forward I received today:

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Lord Ram surveyed the Ram Setu and said “Hanuman, how diligently and strenuously you and your vanar sena had built this bridge several centuries back. It is remarkable that it has withstood the ravages of the climatic and geographical changes over centuries. It is indeed an amazing feat especially considering the fact that a bridge at Hyderabad built by Gammon using latest technology collapsed the other day even before they could stick the posters on its pillars.”

Hanuman with all humility spoke “Jai Sri Ram, it is all because of your grace. We just scribbled your name on the bricks and threw them in the sea and they held. No steel from TISCO or cement from Ambuja or ACC was ever used. But Lord, why rake up the old issue now.”

Ram spoke “Well, Hanuman some people down there want to demolish the bridge and construct a canal. The contract involves lot of money and lot of money will be made. They will make money on demolition and make more money on construction.”

Hanuman humbly bowed down and said, “Why not we go down and present our case”

Ram said, “Times have changed since we were down there. They will ask us to submit age proof and we don’t have either a birth certificate or school-leaving certificate. I studied in a gurukulam and did not bother for certificates, my apprenticeship under the great sages was nice but they didnt give me any experiance certificates either. Even my archery skills did not get me any medals but only a wife. We traveled mainly on foot and some times in bullock carts and so we don’t have a driving license either. As far as the address proof is concerned the fact that I was born at Ayodhya is itself under litigation for over half a century, if I go in a traditional attire with bow and arrow, the ordinary folks may recognize me, and the cops make get me in an encounter or put me behind bars under some anti terrorism act, maybe Arjun Singh may take me to be some tribal and, at the most, offer a seat at IIT under the reserved category. Also, a God cannot walk in dressed in a three-piece suit and announce his arrival. It would make even the devotees suspicious. So it is dilemma so to say.”

“I can vouch for you by saying that I personally built the bridge.”

“My dear, Anjani putra, it will not work. They will ask you to produce the layout plan, the project details, including financial outlay and how the project cost was met and the completion certificate. Nothing is accepted without documentary evidence in India. You and vibishana are two of the eight immortals in this world, how can you prove you are still alive. You may cough but unless a doctor certifies it, you have no cough. A pensioner may present himself personally but the authorities do not take it as proof. He has to produce a life-certificate to prove that he is alive. It is that complicated.”

“Lord, I can’t understand these historians. Over the years you have given darshan once every hundred years to saints like Surdas, Tulsidas, Saint Thyagaraja, Jayadeva, Bhadrachala Ramdas and even Sant Tukaram and still they disbelieve your existence and say Ramayana is a myth. The only option, I see, is to re-enact Ramayana on earth and set the government records straight once for all.”

Lord smiled “It isn’t that easy today. Ravan is apprehensive that he may look like a saint in front of Karunanidhi. I also spoke to his mama Mareecha, who appeared as a golden deer to tempt Sita maiyya when I was in the forest and he said that he won’t take a chance of stepping on earth as long as Salman Khan is around.”

On consultants

This one is for all those who are involved in any kind of consulting work …… got this in mail today and just couldn’t avoid posting .. may be because it is linked to my work (consultant, not a vet, certainly not a cat of the kind described). This is supposed to be from one of the Reader’s Digest issues :

Overheard at the veterinarian’s: I had my cat neutered. He is still out all night with the other cats, but now he is a consultant…

 

Captain Mania Returns – 2

Captain mania continues:

… does heart (?) surgery using mobile phones !!

… the statistician !! Importance of Captain’s “soo” highlighted !!

… bullet takes U-turn upon hitting Captain !!

Captain Mania Returns – 1

Captain, one of the greatest stars of World Cinema, for your viewing pleasure:

Lights cigarette with his blood; sends villains flying by touching his moustache

Gives some work to his arms and legs too

Gives shock to electricity itself

Types in Windows Media Player !!! Eats, drinks and breathes teamwork !!!!!

Indian Superheroes

Indian superheroes for your viewing pleasure:

Superman & Spiderwoman together. Spiderwoman even flies by herself:

Superman in action:

A Superman-like superhero performing cosmic dance (comes with English subtitles so that one can understand the technicalities ;-) ):

Chalo utro aur dhakka lagaao !!!!

Have you ever come across a situation while traveling in a train where the train stopped at a signal for a long time and you saw children trying to push it from inside to make it move? Did you or someone else try to reason it out with them as to how the train cannot be made to move this way? You could very well have been wrong (at least partially) !!!!

I am not joking. Something similar was done to start a train that stopped !!!! Where else but in our own Bihar where a train driver asked his passengers to get out and push the train to get it to start. Can’t believe? Read more here and here.

ROTFL imagining the driver running from coach to coach, asking people to get out and lend the Guard a hand :-D

How about this statement: “Railway officials admitted the freak incident had no precedent, at least not in the Danapur rail division“. I can only imagine Laloo telling his boys: “Bachchon, mera matlab yeh nahi thaa jab maine tumse kaha thaa ki Railways mein kuch nayaa karo …. kuch aisa jo duniya mein kisi ne naa kiya ho pehle”

Wonder whats coming up next ….. Air Deccan pilots asking passengers to get down and push the plane ;-)

Who is the next Kalanidhi?

Here is how our news channels would put it:

—————————————-

BREAKING NEWS: This comes to you straight from Mylaaaapppppooooorrrre, the place where all the action is happening (action? what action?). Rumor is abuzz among some key people here that veteran mrudangam maestro Sri Palghat Raghu is getting the next Sangeetha Kalanidhi award. For the uninitiated, this award given by the Music Academy, Chennai is considered by aspirants, awardees and rasikas as the highest honor a Carnatic musician can get (and probably vice versa by those who don’t get the award for a long time ;-) ). In this connection, do not forget to watch our special program at 8PM tonight: “Kaun banega Kalanidhi?” followed by an exclusive interview where the man in question gets interrogated by our special correspondent Haran Pauper …. and do not forget to SMS your choice for our question of the day:”Who do you think deserves to be the next Kalanidhi?”. Press 420 followed by your choice: A for don’t know, B for don’t care. C for all of the above & D for none of the above.

We will take a small break right now but when we come back, lots of action coming to you in the weather report (action in the weather report?)

——————————————-

Back to the real world. Well the rumors are real (rumors are real?). What do people do in the 21st century when they hear such rumors? They google … yes … and what does Google do? It sends them to websites like mine that have the words Carnatic music or Palghat Raghu or Sangeetha Kalanidhi mentioned. What do I do? Rather …… what can I do? If only the Academy consulted with me in such important matters !! Sigh !!

Why did I make this post? So that the next time anyone googles about Sri Palghat Raghu getting the award (as some have been doing in the last few days), (s)he is not only led to some post which has details of how Sri Raghu played mrudangam in some concert or to some post which says that TNS is this year’s Sangeetha Kalanidhi, but also to more ‘relevant’ posts like this one which at least talk about the rumors …… just to give the person that tiny bit of happiness of at least finding one more person who has heard about the rumors … that too of finding such a person through the angel Google since it adds the much required feeling of having got (in)credible information ;-)

Long live Google … long live the Kalanidhis ….. long live the Meccademy …. and long live Carnatic Music !!

Hindi Cricket Commentary – Unbeatable

If you ever feel depressed in life and think life could not have been worser, just hear Hindi cricket commentary (even if it is the highlights of an age old match telecast for the nth time on DD). You might end up laughing your heart out.

Take for instance the World Cup cricket match yesterday between Sri Lanka and Ireland. Ireland had appealed for a run out and third umpire was called into action. TV replays were showing M. Jayawardene cross over safely before the ball hit the wicket and the bails got dislodged. The Hindi commentator (a former Indian cricketer) tells something to this effect as his conclusion from the action replay: “aisa lag raha hai ki gend lagne ke bahut der baad bails aaraam se gir rahe hain (it appears as though the bails are getting dislodged slowly, a long time after the ball hit the wickets)” :-D :-) ….. and I am ROTFL !!!!

Dwayne Leverock lifted !!!!

My strong belief that finally there was something in this world so heavy that it could not be lifted was shattered a few days back when I saw this snap:

lift.jpg

 

 

Unbelievable !!!!

 

 

Just when I was wondering how Dwayne was able to maintain himself, I got to know that he is a policeman. No wonder :-)

Here are some more snaps for you to savour:

 

 

unbelievable-catch.jpg

Yeh pakda … ha ha ha

Hmmm … pakad toh liya … ab uthoon kaise ???

 

 

pitch-damage.jpg

Pitch – total damage

 

 

 

 

aaja.jpg

 

Aao munna … aao …. himmat hai toh saamne aao

(Pictures courtesy cricinfo.com )

 

The Joys of Customer Care

A subscriber talking to his mobile phone service provider’s customer care dept. The conversation is in Punjabi …..  hilarious especially towards the end

Here is one about Youtube’s customer care itself

The one that takes the cake is the conversation below

Funny article on placements at a B-School

At this time of the year when articles on B-School placements generate significant interest,  this one really takes the cake … got this link from a friend ….. the guy who wrote this has screwed up the names of the companies like anything (Click to read the article). Here is an excerpt for your reading (dis)pleasure:

“This year several renowned companies visited here to offer placements to the students; some of them are Macancy, Assenger business consultant, KPMG, Stern Stewart and company, Deloty consultancy, Aptiva consulting, Price waterhouse Coopers, Sap labs banking and financial services, Lehmen brothers, Goldman Saches, Duche bank, Ocvin financial, Bank of America, HSBC, City group, Standard Chartered and JP Morgan etc. Whereas in marketing field include Alghamin Industries, Colgate Palmolive, Asian Paints, ITC, Reliance, Dabur Astro meset etc.

Some IT companies include Oracle, Cap Gemini, Hand strong, Cognijent, IBM, Kotek Mahindra and Kevonsis etc.”

Office humor

At work, almost all the guys who sit around me have got speaker phones on their desks (not that I don’t have one). So when the clock strikes 9 (AM), the entire floor is like a vegetable market with so many conference calls going on in parallel. Lot of people have no regards for poor souls sitting around. In the middle of this, there are people who do personal conversations also on speaker phone. So there is this guy who is trying to buy a car for quite some days now …. the entire floor must be knowing that what kind of a car he wants to buy, who all he has spoken to, what all rates he has been offered etc etc. So this gentleman (Mr. Loudspeaker) was in discussion with a dealer or someone the other day. Here is an excerpt:

Mr. Loudspeaker: Can you send me an email with all the information I wanted?

Dealer: Yes sir. Can you please tell me your email ID?

Mr. Loudspeaker: Well … its loudspeaker@gmail.com (he spells everything out)

Dealer: Sorry .. what mail.com? email.com?

Mr. Loudspeaker: Its gmail.com

Dealer: Sorry … what mail.com?

Mr. Loudspeaker: gmail ….. gmail …. g as in gmail … g for gmail ….

:D

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Here is another situation …. I am in a call with one of our sales managers based out of the US … let me call him Mr. Sales:

Mr. Sales: So Ram … you said you are in India …. are based out of Bangalore?

Ram: No .. I am based out of Chennai

When the next participant joins the call, Mr. Sales announces: “This is Mr. Sales and we have Ram from China

wtf?

——-

Here are a few Careerbuilder clips for your viewing pleasure …… don’t you dare draw any parallels to my case after seeing these.

The Southie’s Dhoti

I received this a few days back from the Spam King of my ISB batch and can’t resist posting it. Whoever wrote this originally deserves the praise/pleasantries. So here goes “The Southie’s dhoti and how to rattle it” ……….

 

Other men gird their loins, Southie men gird their dhotis. Underestimated by the rest of the world as a mere garment, a foolish extension of the loincloth, it’s only the Southie male who knows that the dhoti can be much, much more. (Bringing to mind the opening line of Love Story. “What do you say about a one-and a half-metre tundu ….”)

 

Well to start with, the Southie’s dhoti is a piece of minimalist art. No clumsy acres of cloth to be feverishly gathered and pleated, no frenzied crawling between and around the legs. Just a pithy bit of pristine whiteness, enough to go around the waist once, with some left over for the two ends to overlap – barely. It’s also a free spirit, secured by just one firm tuck at the waist, the rest left to hang free, unrestrained. Because the Southie knows that a dhoti is not just something to wear but to wield, much the way a skunk does his stink or a bimbo her cleavage. And so as Time dawned on mankind (somewhere between Mohenjo and Daro), the art of dhoti rattling came to be, the art of how to swagger, strut, scare, conquer and tame – all with a piece of cotton as bland as your granny’s khichdi. Which is why, like Sharon Stone’s hemline, the Southie’s dhoti is built to have the unfettered freedom to rise or fall, fold over or flap across, even cleave open to lay bare the magnificence of Southie machismo.

Naturally, this means that the Southie dhoti spends very little time being full length – i.e modestly covering its wearer from waist to toe – and a lot of its time being folded up to reveal calves, knees, thighs (and sometimes – gasp! – even more) depending on how things are going. Now before you leap to any rash conclusions about the Southie male’s secret exhibitionist tendencies (“we’d have never guessed with all that vibhuti!”) let me tell you that without knowing how and when to fold or unfold your dhoti (while wearing it, naturally) there’s no way you can rattle it. (Nor diddle your mundu.) It’s a bit like trying to wrestle without a partner or to tango without feet. And depending on your dexterity and timing, you can deploy your dhoti to play popular male sports like mine-is-bigger-than-yours, my-daddy-can-beat-up-your-daddy-not-to-mention-what-he-can-do-to-your-mummy and you-can-take-it-and-stick-it-up-you-know-where.

Needless to say, the art of dhoti rattling has been stitched into the Southie’s Y chromosone and there was a time when every good Southie boy worth his weight in molaga podi learnt it much before he learnt how to manage rasam on a banana leaf. Alas, with the invasion of the pant and the pyjama, it’s now a dying art in the cities, but is still alive and well where paddy is lush, the coconut tender, the jackfruit ripens like prickly, pregnant hippos and the air is laced with the fragrance of black hair gently wallowing in coconut oil.

 

Now though it is said that there are as many ways of diddling a dhoti (or wiggling your veshti) as there are recipes to make your idli batter rise, here are the few basic moves common to all schools.

 

1. The Buffalo Bhoothalingam Draw (Inspired by the Bucking-Bronco Kick.)

Used to answer the Call of the Testosterone. And when the call comes, to the swelling of the chest and the quivering of the moustache, (maybe even the clash of a few cymbals), in one lightning motion, you shoot out a leg backwards to kick the lower end of the dhoti upwards into a waiting hand. And before anyone can say Karaikudi Kunjukunju Mudaliar, the dhoti will lie trussed up at loin level and you are all set to defend the honour of gramam, gotram or garage mechanic. Can be accompanied by dialogues like “Yenna da, rascal!” or words to that effect, but the more stylish practictioners prefer to let the dhoti do all the talking.
(If your dhoti is already folded up, just go in reverse making sure that when you unfold it, you don’t yank the whole damn thing off. It requires years of practice to know and find the location of that little bit of dhoti that will do the trick.)

 

2. The I’m-the-King-of-Kondalampatti Klutch. Equivalent to pissing on territory and therefore normally used to fix who is the dominant male in this part of the jungle. At the sight of a threat, shoot out leg (always backwards), kick dhoti (always upwards) and instead of folding the whole thing up around loins, just hold up one end (sometimes both if the threat is severe) in hand to part the dhoti like the waters of the Red Sea and make way for two hairy (hopefully), muscular (hopefully), mard-key-bacchey legs which will then proceed to walk all over everybody. In days of yore, this was much more effective when done striding through paddy fields with a minion scurrying behind holding aloft a huge black umbrella to protect your beautiful black complexion from being ruined by the sun.

 

3. The Gird-of-the-Loin. Used before the commencement of anything from climbing a coconut tree to signing that corporate merger. (Also very useful while riding anything with two wheels) It signals that you’re now open for and mean business. A variation the B. Bhootalingam Draw, minus all the thunder and lightning and how high you fold the dhoti is determined by the complexity and seriousness of the task at hand. (WARNING: To be deployed without underwear only when unaware of presence of polite/female company and/or when answering an urgent call of nature.)

 

Which leaves us with just a couple of unanswered questions. The first – if the Southie’s dhoti spends so much of its time aping a miniskirt, what comes to mind is a question has so often haunted humanity about the Scottish kilt. What underwear? Well let’s just say that it has never been Venky’s secret. Because the Southie, never knowing how high his dhoti may ride, chooses his under-the-dhoti-wear remembering the Girl Scout motto. “Be prepared”. Hence the popular choice – despite the invasion of the briefer VIP or the even more dashing Jockey – continues to be what is called “drayers” – knee-length kacchas in dashing stripes or shorts in basic khaki – covering all matters that must remain private no matter what your dhoti may do in public.

 

And the second question is…. You know what they say about the Southie’s dhoti – that it’s like a coconut. Known to fall off but no one has ever seen one do so. So the second question is – how does it stay up? There are many whispered rumours. (And there are those who have been known to use a belt, but they are charlatans really, shunned and denounced by the real Makappuwamis) Some say that it is coffee, strong enough to put the hair on your chest and keep your dhoti on. Some say a daily dose of rice and buttermilk, enough to just distend your stomach to the required rotundity. Others say it’s avvakai pickle, hot enough to sear your dhoti into your middle….The truth is no one knows. My bet? Testosterone…..

 

(FOOTNOTE: Now there may be some of you whose brow may be furrowed on account of my not having mentioned the lungi. I have just one word for it. Disgusting. A raucous, loutish, revolting genetic aberration that will never be recognized as a legitimate relation by any true aficionado of the Southie’s dhoti.)